Behind the Inhaler Pt. 14

This is just one of those weeks. You know the type of weeks I'm talking about, don't you? Where everything is just off.

To begin I think I jinxed myself with my last blog. I talked about how I didn't get a sinus infection last year and how I hoped to go all winter new disease/illness free. Here I am with my newly diagnosed pityriasis and swelling sinuses. I'm just sitting here cracking up like an idiot because my life is just so messed up. I mean this in the most positive way too. I just find it sickly amusing how strange illnesses always seem to appear in me and none of my friends/family.

I've been dead tired all week due to the fact that my immune systems working triple time. Monday people kept asking me if I was depressed, to which I responded "my face is just naturally critical." Yesterday was absolutely painful. I'm so tired I can't even remember why...but I know I didn't enjoy it. Today was pretty OK. I would have like to have been less tired/sick/dysfunctional. I went to Jefferson for the Spanish 3 language trip. I actually had a lot of fun which says a lot seeing as I'm not a big fan of kids. Just a few hours ago I went out to the barn to ride Peeper (Peter) and he was pretty much dead lame when I got there. My trainer and I think it's the cold mixed with his old bones. I'll be injecting his hocks this weekend in hopes it'll help. Total downer to my day, I hate seeing my boy in pain. Instead I road Ringo who is always a blast seeing as he's a retired National Reining Horse Champion.

These Spanish projects combined with my exhaustion have led to some deep thoughts. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in 5th grade nearly crapping my pants at the chance to hit a pinata...but here I am now on the other side. I can't believe it's been six years. I remember the Spanish kids coming so vividly. Thinking "that's so long from now," "they're so cool," etc. Now I am one of those High School kids. I have my license now, I remember thinking on my brothers 16th birthday "he's so old now." I've become one of the advanced riders who I used to idolize when I was a kid. I guess what I'm getting at is that life goes by so much quicker than we realize. I find it so strange that I can say terms like "old friends," since when do I have "old" friends? What dictates an "old friend?" Is it one of those unspoken rules like walking on the right? I guess you could say I'm afraid of growing up when really I know I'm afraid of failure. I'm so afraid of failure the thought of it makes me sick. But I never fail by others standards it's always my own. I always feel like I'm letting myself down. That I could have done this, should have know this.

I wish I would have know as a 5th grader what I know now. I wish I would have appreciated the time I had more. But I guess that one of life's greatest mysteries is life itself. Like a protagonist in a mystery novel I was naive and unsuspecting. I didn't realize that the antagonist was staring me in the face. 

A song that basically sums up everything I've said in the past two paragraphs is called Vienna by Billy Joel (click to listen). It truly is a great song (in my opinion).

Peter chilling with his sheet on.

Peters stall last year. Letter to Santa and all. Yes I realize how crazy this must seem but it's all in good fun. I had Christmas lights up too but he was so afraid of them I had to take him down.

A gingerbread house I made in 2009...not my best work haha

Response #13

These blue words are magic. When you click them another page appears.

Behind the Inhaler Pt. 13

I'm writing my blog early this week because I have Speech and Debate all weekend. Lucky for me it's Gahanna's own tournament so I don't have to wake up at four to catch a bus to Cleveland!

I've always enjoyed the winter time. Personally I find that everyone tends to be more nice around the holiday times. Another reason why I love the winter is because my outdoor allergies die with the first full snow/frost. All I have to worry about in the winter is indoor allergies, and my increased chance of catching the flu, phenomena, or bronchitis which are all potentially fatal to someone with respiratory issues like myself.  Last year I lucked out! It was the first year I didn't contract a double sinus infection which for someone like me means hospitalization and months of illness because I'm allergic to the antibiotics. Instead I showed all the signs of a brain tumor/cancer...haha turns out my liver was doing something funky (they determined this after I had a forty five minute waterfall of a nose bleed and had emergency blood work done). I hope this year I can stay relatively healthy!

Another reason why I love winter is the weather. I love the snow, I love being bundled up and warm with cold around me (if that makes any sense), and I love just sitting with a cup of coffee and reading/playing in the snow. I've always been into reading. I love throwing myself into an emotionally gripping book. I think I get this from my father. My house is full of books and winter just sets the perfect mood to read. I remember once when I was in first grade our math assignment was to count all the books in our house. I came in with a number close to 1,000 maybe even over. My teacher gave me an incomplete saying that "no one has 1,000 books in their house," I went home crying to my mom who had to call the teacher and explain to her that we basically have a library in my dads study. Books offer a temporary escape from reality that I love.

One other winter activity that I love is extreme sledding. What is extreme sledding? Well thanks for wondering! My best-friend Martha and I love to temp danger...and our lives. Most of the time what we do seems pretty white trash...haha but it really is an amazing time. Extreme sledding is when we attach a sled/tube to the back of her Mule (not like the animal, but the 4 wheel drive all terrain work car) and go at it 35MPH in the back fields. This is pretty extreme, most of the time we end up half passed out in the field. We usually end up with many bruises but it's all in good fun.

This is the mule.

Martha is ready to extreme sled...haha we both looked so white trash!

These are how this post ties into class this week. These are the complete, leather bound works of Poe, Christie, and Doyle. I love reading these and other complete works my dad owns in his collection. I have to say Poe is my favorite. My favorite poem being "Alone."


From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view. 
-Poe 

Part of my dads collection...haha what you can't see is the wall on the right, my room, the basement, and the boxes under my dads bed.

Response #12

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Behind the Inhaler Pt. 12

Things I've learned through this crazy thing we call life...

• Nothing is fair
• You're your own worst enemy 
• People suck
• Winning isn't everything 
• Society believes that in order for me to feel good about myself I should be size two and six three. 

Let's start with 'nothing is fair.' You've all been there. "But Mom/Dad that's not fair!" "Well _____, life isn't fair." I hate when people say that. Trust me I know. I've had my share of unfair hands. For example the whole "you're allergic to everything and will never function normally." I first contracted my allergies when I was three. I went over to my best friends house (we were together every day, not kidding) to find out her sister had received a cat for her birthday. I went home about ten minutes later with 75% of my airways restricted. Our parents thought we could avoid the whole cat thing by having my friend come to my house only. Me being as allergic I am had a reaction just from my friend living with a cat. I went from being with this friend every day to having to give up our friendship all together. Like I said not fair. My cat allergy is unlike my horse allergy in the sense that even med's don't help prevent reactions. I'm so allergic to cats that even drugged up like Paris Hilton I would have a reaction that could easily lead to death.

'You're your own worst enemy.' Sounds pretty stupid, huh? But 99% of the time this quote applies to me. I'm very good at assuming. I assume many things. I think it's because I'm so observant. I observe and I make assumptions based off of those observations. Another reason as to why I'm my own worst enemy is because I think way too much. Thinking too much, again sounds stupid but I do it. I think out every single possible outcome to everything situation. Before I even make a discussion I usually have about five possible outcomes/consequences to the action. I ground myself basically. I think my behavior is simply a product of my upbringing. Slowly I've been breaking out of the bubble I've created around myself. I'm still a work in progress.

'People suck.' People is a pretty general statement. Don't have much to say about this other than people typically let you down more than they help you.

'Winning isn't everything.' Some of my proudest moments have occurred in the saddle. The saddle is my home, truly. Some of my favorite ribbons aren't blue, though all my blue ones are treasured. When I was in sixth grade my team drove up to Cleveland to compete at Lake Erie College. The team was doing terrible. I being a beginner at the time was in the last class of the day. I road a small bay horse named Bob. I came in second place out of twelve. I remember just being so proud because I had the highest placing ribbon of my entire team. Some of my greatest lessons I've learned have come losing out. Getting beat down and having to work towards something. in the pursuit of winning. Another one of my favorite ribbons is this great big white one. White is fourth place. the ribbon reads "Limit Equitation Series Overall Fourth." That means of all the shows in the Delaware series, all the points added up in my class I had the fourth highest amount. Eight shows make up the series, I showed only three of them. In three shows I managed to win to Eq. Championships which was enough to win me fourth over all. Sure to giant blue ribbons lead to an even larger white, but the white means more.

And lastly, society believes that in order for me to feel good about myself I need to look a curtain way. Luckily I've never had basic human rights taken away for the way I look, not yet at least. I've always been built larger, and I've always had darker features. Have a mother who was in beauty contests, including Miss Ohio and that works out for a living has never been easy. My mom all five foot nothing of her has always been much smaller than I am, naturally thin. I get harassed by my mother almost daily for my weight, appearance, and to work out. As you can imagine this takes a toll on ones self confidence. When I was younger I simply cried about my mothers harsh words and addiction to self appearance, now I feel sorry for her. I'm sorry that she's never been able to see past people appearance, and I'm sorry that her daughter no longer cares about her harsh words (what she'll do now to make herself feel important, I don't know). I was never and probably will never be the makeup wearing, calorie counting, yoga girl. It's taken me years to start to accept myself for what I am. I've gotten over being larger, I've gotten over not being thin, I've gotten over being told that beauty comes in size two. Beauty to me comes in large accepting hearts. More often than not true beauty to me comes in the form of four legged herbivores.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday! Mine was...interesting. I have S & D this weekend in Cleveland, should be fun. Next weekend is Gahanna's home tournament!

Some of my ribbons in black and white because the color never dictates how well you did.

Currently listening to Brand New (one of my favorite songs).

My room, currently covered in Christmas lights.