Behind the Inhaler Pt. 12

Things I've learned through this crazy thing we call life...

• Nothing is fair
• You're your own worst enemy 
• People suck
• Winning isn't everything 
• Society believes that in order for me to feel good about myself I should be size two and six three. 

Let's start with 'nothing is fair.' You've all been there. "But Mom/Dad that's not fair!" "Well _____, life isn't fair." I hate when people say that. Trust me I know. I've had my share of unfair hands. For example the whole "you're allergic to everything and will never function normally." I first contracted my allergies when I was three. I went over to my best friends house (we were together every day, not kidding) to find out her sister had received a cat for her birthday. I went home about ten minutes later with 75% of my airways restricted. Our parents thought we could avoid the whole cat thing by having my friend come to my house only. Me being as allergic I am had a reaction just from my friend living with a cat. I went from being with this friend every day to having to give up our friendship all together. Like I said not fair. My cat allergy is unlike my horse allergy in the sense that even med's don't help prevent reactions. I'm so allergic to cats that even drugged up like Paris Hilton I would have a reaction that could easily lead to death.

'You're your own worst enemy.' Sounds pretty stupid, huh? But 99% of the time this quote applies to me. I'm very good at assuming. I assume many things. I think it's because I'm so observant. I observe and I make assumptions based off of those observations. Another reason as to why I'm my own worst enemy is because I think way too much. Thinking too much, again sounds stupid but I do it. I think out every single possible outcome to everything situation. Before I even make a discussion I usually have about five possible outcomes/consequences to the action. I ground myself basically. I think my behavior is simply a product of my upbringing. Slowly I've been breaking out of the bubble I've created around myself. I'm still a work in progress.

'People suck.' People is a pretty general statement. Don't have much to say about this other than people typically let you down more than they help you.

'Winning isn't everything.' Some of my proudest moments have occurred in the saddle. The saddle is my home, truly. Some of my favorite ribbons aren't blue, though all my blue ones are treasured. When I was in sixth grade my team drove up to Cleveland to compete at Lake Erie College. The team was doing terrible. I being a beginner at the time was in the last class of the day. I road a small bay horse named Bob. I came in second place out of twelve. I remember just being so proud because I had the highest placing ribbon of my entire team. Some of my greatest lessons I've learned have come losing out. Getting beat down and having to work towards something. in the pursuit of winning. Another one of my favorite ribbons is this great big white one. White is fourth place. the ribbon reads "Limit Equitation Series Overall Fourth." That means of all the shows in the Delaware series, all the points added up in my class I had the fourth highest amount. Eight shows make up the series, I showed only three of them. In three shows I managed to win to Eq. Championships which was enough to win me fourth over all. Sure to giant blue ribbons lead to an even larger white, but the white means more.

And lastly, society believes that in order for me to feel good about myself I need to look a curtain way. Luckily I've never had basic human rights taken away for the way I look, not yet at least. I've always been built larger, and I've always had darker features. Have a mother who was in beauty contests, including Miss Ohio and that works out for a living has never been easy. My mom all five foot nothing of her has always been much smaller than I am, naturally thin. I get harassed by my mother almost daily for my weight, appearance, and to work out. As you can imagine this takes a toll on ones self confidence. When I was younger I simply cried about my mothers harsh words and addiction to self appearance, now I feel sorry for her. I'm sorry that she's never been able to see past people appearance, and I'm sorry that her daughter no longer cares about her harsh words (what she'll do now to make herself feel important, I don't know). I was never and probably will never be the makeup wearing, calorie counting, yoga girl. It's taken me years to start to accept myself for what I am. I've gotten over being larger, I've gotten over not being thin, I've gotten over being told that beauty comes in size two. Beauty to me comes in large accepting hearts. More often than not true beauty to me comes in the form of four legged herbivores.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday! Mine was...interesting. I have S & D this weekend in Cleveland, should be fun. Next weekend is Gahanna's home tournament!

Some of my ribbons in black and white because the color never dictates how well you did.

Currently listening to Brand New (one of my favorite songs).

My room, currently covered in Christmas lights.